Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.