Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I put the h in mysterious.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.