@Molly_Kats

WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.

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@Gupton68

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

@Birdhumms

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”ecorno2″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3602882142/60f748e59a955f882eacab306d08682d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”340405199678078977″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”79″;s:5:”tweet”;s:66:”I think after writing 50k tweets, they should give you a free cat.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

@TheHyyyype

mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that’s called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@Sickayduh

Me: Guess what
Her: What
Me: The opposite of Aquaman
Her: …
Me: Is Landlady
Her: …
Me: …
Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow
Me: Ok