Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

Good morning

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose