Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Stop
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like