Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.