Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.