Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Covert ops
