Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I have never related to a cat more
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]