Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!