Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Feels
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.