Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.