Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
i was baptized in a car wash
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Every time my phone rings
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.