Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Damn what did I do next

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

*Inspirational Tweets*

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.