Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.