Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Print is alive and well!!!
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!