Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
You Might Also Like
San Francisco has too many rules
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
british sex workers really pound for pound
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho