who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets