Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?