who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.