Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level