Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Mission: Impossible
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.