Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.