Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .