Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
