Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
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Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Respect
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Everyone’s family
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.