Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
⚠️ Important Reminder:
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms