Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous