Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
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Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”