Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…