Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
🙅🏻
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.