Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
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[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Welcome
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫