Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

ok hear me out: Luigiana

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.