who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.