who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.