Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
W: No, I did.
Judge: That’s argumentative.