@tehaveragejoel

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

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@English_Channel

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

@sixfootcandy

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

@KevinFarzad

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

@AnniemuMary

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

@ClichedOut

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.