Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.