Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You Might Also Like
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: