Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
never stops being funny
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.