Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

how high up are we talkin’?

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.