Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.