Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Lucky for them, they’re cute

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

🤭😂

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

wait.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”