Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY