Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
You Might Also Like
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
This is me 🤣🤣
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022