Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
buys donuts instead
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
twitter is a journey
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Finally, a door that understands me
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
This trial is so absurd 😭
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper