Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Born to be mild.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: