Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”