Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
i dont have time for this
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”