Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
absolutely not
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
IT’S-A ME,
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
