Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.