Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
You Might Also Like
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’m awake but I object,
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.