Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Expect the unexporcupine.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice