Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

new career option?

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try