Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.