Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Aight bet
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball