who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Steam Forums
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.