who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.