who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Become ungovernable.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
i wish i could marry a nap