who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
So many people to disappoint, so little time
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My last name is Zilla.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
the internet really was better 18 years ago
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong