who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
twitter users today:
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
😂🖐️
