who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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yes… yes…
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet