Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When news reporters do sports stories
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way