Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔