who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
you could not pay me to delete this app
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Lmao the reply
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Already got one
