Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”