Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.