Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?