Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.