Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
You Might Also Like
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.