Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
on da cob, we all corn
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
imagine getting destroyed like this
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs