Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.