who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Golf would be better with landmines.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now