Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one