Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

Stop sending me this shit.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

as the prophecy foretold

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.