Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
🤣🤣🤣
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE