Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.