Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
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Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’