Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
me when i see my girls butt
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”