Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

dude it’s called proctologist

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Imma just leave this here…………

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count