Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
When I said I liked it rough.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf