Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.